It's really just one of those days where I'm feeling stagnant...like I could be doing something with my life, I'm just waiting for the reason to do so. I never liked the way this feels. 27 years is just around the corner and I'm being so lax over it. Some days it seems like it's my birthday every day of the week and I'm constantly reminded of the time I've wasted. I think I just need about 10 grand to get my own place, a real computer, and just write. Or finally go back to college...cause it seems that everyday I don't do what I need to do with my life is just another day I'm growing dimmer...older...and jaded.
I think the real beef I'm having lately is in my head. The desire to write is always with me, but I can't do it. It's like I block myself from doing it..the idea that I'll have a great idea but ruin the whole thing by not finishing it. That's the problem with having a track record-- it never wipes itself clean no matter how many times you try to disprove it. It's a blemish on everything you do.
Maybe I'm just having an overly moody day..or maybe I'm thinking too much, but it almost feels as though everywhere I go to get myself established doesn't really matter... Sure, I have great friends here, and a pseudo job and place to live, but am I doing anything to better myself or my life? No. Just being the same old useless me in some mundane patch, being the worker ant and praying for a change.
It's good having a best friend though.. It is. I typically find myself wanting to open up to people, and still find it hard to really get down into the core of me and find the truth. Besties tend to see that, whether you try to get at it yourself or not. I'm not good at that.
I've been having the worst issues with internet conversation lately. It's strange. I can sit here and type to my heart's content in any topic, in many different subtangents, but when it comes to typing a few lines to another living breathing person, it becomes a challenge to be truly understood. Is it so hard to translate the conversation of the 3 dimensional world to this little plastic hard candied version? It shouldn't be. I'm a writer, it's in me to express myself thoroughly and openly, right? Am i truly that insecure about being judged/misunderstood that when words don't come out right, I get frustrated?
That's just stupid.. I hate that so much. Why bother speaking the english language if you just get it wrong depending on the medium you use it in. I won't be that fool any longer. I'm a competent intelligent individual and refuse to be limited by the things I can or cannot say. I must be true to me...and I must be heard. Without conversation, without some minimal form of communication, why does one need to exist? It's the riddle of the universe---how can I understand myself almost perfectly and yet the rest of the denizens of the planet cannot follow the things only I know so well....
I know that I won't always be understood by all. I'm almost alright with that, but the ones I value most not hearing my 'voice', that unnerves me. I think the most unpleasant part of this equation is that I find typing to be so relaxing. It's almost easier to type than to handwrite.. Sure, the handwriting is much more personal, but then...there's a conflicting element to that... The things I type are so much more immediate to me--no thinking..just straight to the fingers to let them create the parallels I'm envisioning. I can't understand why that concept cannot be applied to any conversation I have online.. Is it because the conversation involves another party...that party being completely unpredictable and different from myself? That's probably the smart answer.
I don't know. I try not to be consciously rude. And strangely enough, I 'listen' to past conversations in my head for traces of cynicism.. That's been cropping up recently. I've seen that alot. It's to do with my feelings of inadequacy lately as mentioned earlier. Not having a proper fitting job, not being able to do the things I need to do financially, being creatively stifled.. It just jumps on your shoulders for as long as you can carry it. I never respond well to coming to several conclusions all at once.. They should be allowed to come to me one at time, instead of Pandora boxed, leaping to and fro, waiting to see if I can process them all at the same time.
I can't. I suck at it actually. Change is still a frightening perspective to me--no matter where I've traveled to or whom I've met. That doesn't explain why I'm horrible at making plans though. Spontaneity is all about sudden change. Plans usually get a framework that isn't much deviated...Eh. Probably the same reason why I like ketchup, but don't care for tomatoes.
I don't know exactly why I wrote all of this.. Sometimes I just require a moment to self evaluate and understand why I do things.. It's part of the processing bit that I was talking about...Understanding myself helps me to cope with the 'shoulder hitchhikers'...and see them all in an outside perspective rather than being the one who gets it all at once. A stand back standpoint.
Anyway. I really don't enjoy using cliches, but "one day at a time" seems appropriate lately. We'll see how that goes.
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