The dam breaks..

Although it may not look like it, I actually have been making strides to enact my New Year's resolutions, specifically the writing bit.. Yes, yes, I know what will come of that thought--the lack of output and proof, and all of the usual hub-bub(and by this I'm referring to my own in terms of things I may have said or currently say..) about how the muse doesn't have anything for me to 'say' or how I'm lost in my own world and can't find a boat back to the creative shores of my written voice.. Blah blah boo hoo noise noise. Yes, there is that to contend with.

Despite all of that, the process of creativity has still been flowing through me, though without any subsequent volumes arising from it. In terms of this process, I'd have to say it's been mostly an internal experience in that I have been thinking, pondering, questing, what have you on some ideas, some 'scenes', as I tend to see them. For me, writing is both to do with the hands forming/shaping the journey, and the inner version of yourself seeing scenes from the 'mindfilm' playing on...And just like that, when you're least expecting to see the new feature, it comes to you..in scattered bit and pieces, like a memory from some crazy vaseline lensed dream.

The logic in this statement probably seems foreign and off balance, but I'm sure you can understand the meaning if you were to consider...an idea that came to you that was so vivid you could actually put yourself in it--like if you were asked to recall something that really makes you smile or something that may have happened to you that affected your outlook. It would be pristine, near crystal clear. That's what the mindfilm is. It's a sharp image that can be manipulated, freeze framed, and ultimately incorporated into something more than the sum of its own parts.

That's what I've been doing...not writing so much, but moreso plotting ideas..drafting dreams.

And in doing so, I've been referencing things I've done before but to little success. One such idea of old is that of creating a weekly series of vignettes; not necessarily anything that's related to one large fullscale idea, but more the drips and drabs of things that could loosely come together at a moment's notice. It's more the mindfilm scenes muddled together with some slapdashery, spliced and performed every week without a true focus..or is there. I love a good puzzle, and that's just what they are... You don't have much a clue about the origins of these sudden windows, but while you view them, you're there.. It's a living thing, if abstractly so.

So, yeah, that's where it's at right now. Dabbling dabbling on...always that way, even if it doesn't appear like such. The problem(or at least, one of the problems, that is..) that arises here is that I haven't a clue what these little weekly jaunts into my mind will be. I only know that I've been seeing flashes of ideas, of subplots and life-sized yet confused sides(often readings for auditions that give only the vaguest impression of the whole feature)...

Forgive the ramble. It's almost as if I haven't said anything for months. Pfft. (Insert snide look with undercurrent of hand slapping forehead moment here.)

One further bit... I'm wondering if I should write them first then record them vocally...The act would serve two purposes then--sometimes both the writer and the performer require expression...the self is often better served when all within are maintained and satisfied. That's something I tend to neglect and only ever understand when the moment allows me to step back and see it. So, yes. Things are brewing.

In what direction, I do not yet know..

A 'Few Brief Awkward Lines' on 2011

Thinking back on 2011 has me feeling a multitude of things--ranging from complete happiness to a few rounds of sadness to just simple gratefulness in being around. I haven't been putting much stock into writing lately, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I've fully given up on that dream. It makes me consider the idea that we don't always have it within us to do the things we wish and dream at the time we want to; moreso it's something to attain, to achieve. Merely being around and hoping for something won't get us any closer to fulfilling the desire, but then trying to push for something over and over again isn't always the best course of action. For me, that sentiment applies not only to the writing bit but also to my life in itself. Being lax is foolish, but trying too hard and being disappointed with the lack is sometimes the very thing that creates our undoing. That may sound too 'on the fence', but it's becoming an element of truth these days.

So--2011. Bad. Good. Both. Personally, it's been a year of renewal(though every year in its fashion tends to be...this year was completely apparent in that.). I've been grateful for good friends and family, and for the ability to work and find some sense of stability. I've been blessed with the time to feel my age---an odd statement to make for one who has shunned the idea of getting older for so many years..but really--whether it's been good luck/fortunate circumstance/the kindness of those close to me/being watched over by a higher power or the combinations of all, it's been a year for personal growth and change. If 2011 has taught me little else, it is this... Change can be beautiful.

And with this, I set forth my hopeful 2012 resolutions:

1. Write more, even if it seems like complete hooey. You can't capture lightning by staying indoors. Have to get out in it and not be afraid to get..struck..now and then.

1 1/2. Taking Res. 1 a step further-- Don't neglect the talent given to you. Don't verbally poo-poo the things you do best/things you love because you're not currently doing them. You know who you are. Be that. Nothing else matters more.

2. Don't be afraid to update your thinking on quite a few things-- This year has been a year for changes, subtle though most have been. Change can be so helpful, planning doesn't have to be shunned. Spontaneity is lovely and exciting, but knowing the direction give us purpose.

3. Try to love/feel more..and show it more often. Closing yourself off fully negates resolutions 1 and 2.

4. Maintain/further build financial stability. It's been getting better, and with further self control, it could well be great.

And lastly, rediscover the passion for the things you love. Resolution 1 is definitely a part of that, but there are other things--things that make me who I am. Theatre. Music. Lists. And this blog..once.

Have a great year, readers. I'm going to give it a shot too-